About: allegralove

The past few days I haven’t been myself.

Whenever I get like this, I remember something my mom said, “HALT: Never let yourself get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.”

Sadly, I have been 3 of the 4 since Thursday.

I am EMPTY and I don’t even know how to fill back up, I only knew that I had one place I could turn.

We have been potty training our youngest.

We used the same program and had the same commitment to him as we did to our first. So, was it our negligent decision to vocalize on day one, “I think this is going to be easy,” or is it just the fact that this kid isn’t the same as the first {duh}. Needless to say, it hasn’t been a 3 day success story but a week plus fecal adventure. I had no idea that I could barefoot step in human excrement or run dung through my washing machine yet, I have, literally been up to my eyeballs in a gag inducing amount of shit & eternity pool of urine.

With toilet defeat weighing in on my every day activity & consequently changing sleeping patterns and habits in the wee-little babe, I am weary. When my hot-husband came down with a flu, we had a house guest coming in & I had JUST said I was at the breaking point, I think I can openly admit I was SCREWED! And more accurately, my family was screwed because I literally have nothing left for them.

So last night, after my husband lovingly sent me to my room for being short with the kids, I fell asleep until 6:40pm…when I was awoken by an extreme amount of raucous. I was in no place to fault my husband who was wrestling the two boys yet, in my head, I was cursing their insensitivity. I was now WIDE awake…and angry, lonely, tired…OH! AND Hungry. Grrr.

It was 11:46 pm and the youngest was awake…again…and would be throughout the rest of the night. I was so frustrated inside I could feel the anger and exhaustion expose me.

I started talking to God.

I can honestly tell you I didn’t make sense. I couldn’t even form my thoughts because my exhaustion and fatigue had taken me past rational thought. I was tailspinning into areas of my heart and hurts in it that I didn’t think were there. I tapped into fears that I would rather have continued to avoid. I just T A L K E D. I talked and I unraveled until I fell asleep…until the next little-spawn sleep disruption. But I woke up this morning to a coffee drought that couldn’t even dampen my hope that today is what I have and He is with me.

I dressed for the day (after tackling little’s bowl movement accident number 1) & admitted: to love my child the way I want to today, I am going to have to be outside of the house as much as possible.

It didn’t last long.

My exhaustion and fatigue are weighing my eyes down like free weights.

But my ability to admit that I am NOT enough is renewed with faith and truth: I am NOT enough. I am not supposed to be. I have to let Him be my everything so I can have His enough. HE is enough.

I am on empty. Like, so far past empty. One day I won’t be. But for now, I am.

I am empty and my 3 foot tall challenge is now throwing things so…I’m going to talk to God…again

I have this incredible book that I don’t read enough. It’s a 3 in 1 collection by Stormie Omartian called The Power of Praying {the power of a praying wife, the power of a praying parent, & the power of a praying woman}.

Throughout this book I have dates written, hearts drawn, and small notes. I blew the dust off the cover today and stuck it in a new corner of my home that I hope will become my prayer corner; my positive time out.

I opened the book to a random page & found myself praying for my boys: Honoring Parents & Rebellion. I wanted to skip that prayer. In my head I thought, “this is a boring topic and they’re young.” I know, it was horrible of me to think that, but I DID end up reading it. And it resonated with me.

The Bible says, “Whoever curses his father or his mother, his lamp will be put out in deep darkness.” Proverbs 20:20. I read that a few times & processed it.

There was a time in my life when I did not honor my parents. At the time, I believed I was justified, in fact there wasn’t anyone who could tell me otherwise. My first fight with my now-husband of 8 years was over my state of dishonor and rebellion from my father. At the young age of 23 I was livid that there was this man I was dating telling me he wasn’t willing to marry me and raise his children not knowing their grandparents. That was a pretty bold statement that rocked me. That hot July night at the County Fair riding the ferris wheel was not my favorite. But he was right. My now-husband stood up to the enemy who had walls up in me. Through him, he helped me see what Stormie Omartian writes, “Rebellion is actually pride put into action…stubbornness is an iniquity and idolatry. Pride gets us into rebellion, but stubbornness is what keeps us there.” The dishonor and rebellion that I lived in permeated every aspect of my life even as a believer. I didn’t want to stay in it. It was toxic.

A mom now of two sweet boys, five and two, I want to protect them from that poison. My husband and I fight together every day to take where we have come from and improve on it for their sake. We KNOW that “Obedience brings great security and the confidence of knowing you’re where you’re supposed to be.” We want that for them! “We want our children to walk in obedience so that they will have confidence, security, long life, and peace.” So today, I prayed that for them. I prayed that for them AND the grown and young adults I know who struggle now to honor their parents. I see the hurt it has brought them and I want God’s best for their hearts out of my genuine love for them.

If you want to pray Stormie’s prayer for Honoring Parents & Rebellion, here it is:

Lord, 

I pray that You would give (child’s name) a heart that desires to obey You. Put into him/her a longing to spend time with You, in Your Word and in prayer, listening for Your voice. Shine Your light upon any secret or unseen rebellion that is taking root in his/her heart so that it can be identified and destroyed. Lord, I pray that he/she will not give himself/herself over to pride, selfishness, and rebellion, but that he/she will be delivered from it. By the authority You’ve given me in Jesus’ name, I “stand agains the wiles of the devil” and I resist idolatry, rebellion, stubbornness, and disrespect; they will have no part in my son’s/daughter’s life nor will my child walk a path of destruction and death because of them.

Your Word instructions, “Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing tothe Lord”. I prayer that You would turn the heart of this child toward his/her parents and enable him/her to honor and obey father and mother so that his/her life will be long and good. Turn his/her heart toward You so that all he/she does is pleasing in Your sight. May he/she learn to identify and confront pride and rebellion in himself/herself. and be willing to confess and repent of it. Make him/her uncomfortable with sin. Help him/her to know the beauty and simplicity of walking with a sweet and humble spirit in obedience and submission to You.

Amen

I went in to 2014 with a lofty {for me} goal of reading 12 books this year. What I have found is what any one does when they set out to achieve something: once I started doing, it all started happening!

I thought it would be really challenging for me to accomplish reading one book in 30 days. What I had forgotten is how I love characters, syntax, diction, and how my mind comes to know a story intimately. Initially I had set 12 books as a goal because I needed to have a sense of accomplishment. I needed to be able to start & finish something; give me accomplishment that didn’t depend on anyone else saying, “good job!” but something I could just know, “I did it!”

I didn’t expect that it would: inspire my own writing, challenge my own thinking, become a source of relaxation, and generate fun conversations. Reading had gone from something I had to do in college (conversating among the round tables at Saint Mary’s during what is called Seminar) to being enjoyable again.

I am someone who indulges in song lyrics and the way an author writes like the way others can lose themselves in a painting or building a car. I found myself highlighting sentences and then realizing they were too good to be forgotten. I pulled out one of the three paper journals from 9th Letter Press that I had won in a giveaway and decided to comb back through the books I had already finished in 2014:

• The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
• A Quiet Belief in Angels by R.J. Ellory
• Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist
• Where’d You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple
• The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

I started writing down every.single.bit painted in yellow. There are words my heart relates to, sentences that made me laugh out loud, and thoughts that made me think deeper:

“….and it occurred to me that the voracious ambition of humans is never sated by dreams coming true because there is always the thought that everything might be done better again.” -The Fault in Our Stars

“If you want to write, then you should write, but always remember to write the truth as you see it, not as people wish it to be seen.” -A Quiet Belief in Angels

“The sooner you learn it’s on you to make life interesting the better off you’ll be.” -Where’d You Go Bernadette

I want more inspiration, more laughter, and more accomplishment. For so many years I have looked to others to validate me professionally and personally, denied myself the simple pleasures because I thought it was my job and purpose as a mother and wife to sacrifice all of me all the time; I was wrong.

I know…they’re just books…but they’re my books.

Tomorrow I go “home”
For the first time in 330 days, I am going back.
So much has changed in almost a year and yet, everything is the same as it was.
The ocean still blankets the shore, the grapes still ripen on the vine, and the sun still sets every night at 70 degrees farenheit (even in February).
Hair cuts have changed, waist lines have inhaled and exhaled, and hearts have expanded.
When I knew I was going back for sure, I was afraid.
Afraid that the peace I have found may be challenged, that the life we have made may be misunderstood, and my happiness may leave others excluded.
I turned it over the prayer.
Wracked with an anxiety that with the added rue of fear only grew until I couldn’t contain it.
It’s funny how “home” always carries with it the weight of history; histories both bountiful and badgered.
Would my loved ones give me the permission to BE who I am now or would they hold me to the hurt I caused by leaving?
I have prayed for days on end knowing the only one who could change my heart was God, and He did.
I have His peace surpassing my own understanding.
The fear fed me lies and I was a glutton.
I have purged that indulgence shedding the weight that it brought and now I am light with truth:
He stands by me & strengthens me.
He is for me so no one  can be against me.
So I am going home.
I am going back to hug the ones I love!
I am going back to laugh about the old memories & to make new ones.
I am going back home & leaving my home all at once.

Here’s the thing about Crazy, you can’t put miles between you and it, you can’t close it out, you can’t silence it, and you definitely can’t control it; Crazy just finds you.

Crazy is the person you don’t have time for, Crazy makes you question your self, Crazy makes you crazy and the only thing you can do about it is surrender it to God.

So I’m sitting here saying the words: Surrender it to God, Allegra, but there’s an emotional synapse between my head and my heart.

I KNOW He can fix it. I know He can take it, , mold it into what He wants but I’m still at the wheel clinging to it.

I’m so busy not realizing I don’t truly BELIEVE Crazy can change that I’m telling the Artist I’d rather stare at the clay than watch Him shape it.

A question was posed to me the other day: If Crazy is crazy then shouldn’t that make it easier to live in the truth?

It should.

It really should.

But I want to out-truth the lies. I want to justify the right. I want to shout out the honesty until something clicks and Crazy gets it.

I guess this makes me as crazy as Crazy is.

So God, I’m begging you in this moment to HELP me release this.

I want to see the scar for what it is: HEALED, illness removed, a badge of mercy where darkness no longer lives.

1,000 miles, 31 years, and daily baptismal cleansing to BE more than Crazy.

Crazy can’t live here….