The past few days I haven’t been myself.

Whenever I get like this, I remember something my mom said, “HALT: Never let yourself get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.”

Sadly, I have been 3 of the 4 since Thursday.

I am EMPTY and I don’t even know how to fill back up, I only knew that I had one place I could turn.

We have been potty training our youngest.

We used the same program and had the same commitment to him as we did to our first. So, was it our negligent decision to vocalize on day one, “I think this is going to be easy,” or is it just the fact that this kid isn’t the same as the first {duh}. Needless to say, it hasn’t been a 3 day success story but a week plus fecal adventure. I had no idea that I could barefoot step in human excrement or run dung through my washing machine yet, I have, literally been up to my eyeballs in a gag inducing amount of shit & eternity pool of urine.

With toilet defeat weighing in on my every day activity & consequently changing sleeping patterns and habits in the wee-little babe, I am weary. When my hot-husband came down with a flu, we had a house guest coming in & I had JUST said I was at the breaking point, I think I can openly admit I was SCREWED! And more accurately, my family was screwed because I literally have nothing left for them.

So last night, after my husband lovingly sent me to my room for being short with the kids, I fell asleep until 6:40pm…when I was awoken by an extreme amount of raucous. I was in no place to fault my husband who was wrestling the two boys yet, in my head, I was cursing their insensitivity. I was now WIDE awake…and angry, lonely, tired…OH! AND Hungry. Grrr.

It was 11:46 pm and the youngest was awake…again…and would be throughout the rest of the night. I was so frustrated inside I could feel the anger and exhaustion expose me.

I started talking to God.

I can honestly tell you I didn’t make sense. I couldn’t even form my thoughts because my exhaustion and fatigue had taken me past rational thought. I was tailspinning into areas of my heart and hurts in it that I didn’t think were there. I tapped into fears that I would rather have continued to avoid. I just T A L K E D. I talked and I unraveled until I fell asleep…until the next little-spawn sleep disruption. But I woke up this morning to a coffee drought that couldn’t even dampen my hope that today is what I have and He is with me.

I dressed for the day (after tackling little’s bowl movement accident number 1) & admitted: to love my child the way I want to today, I am going to have to be outside of the house as much as possible.

It didn’t last long.

My exhaustion and fatigue are weighing my eyes down like free weights.

But my ability to admit that I am NOT enough is renewed with faith and truth: I am NOT enough. I am not supposed to be. I have to let Him be my everything so I can have His enough. HE is enough.

I am on empty. Like, so far past empty. One day I won’t be. But for now, I am.

I am empty and my 3 foot tall challenge is now throwing things so…I’m going to talk to God…again