Monthly Archives: February 2014

I went in to 2014 with a lofty {for me} goal of reading 12 books this year. What I have found is what any one does when they set out to achieve something: once I started doing, it all started happening!

I thought it would be really challenging for me to accomplish reading one book in 30 days. What I had forgotten is how I love characters, syntax, diction, and how my mind comes to know a story intimately. Initially I had set 12 books as a goal because I needed to have a sense of accomplishment. I needed to be able to start & finish something; give me accomplishment that didn’t depend on anyone else saying, “good job!” but something I could just know, “I did it!”

I didn’t expect that it would: inspire my own writing, challenge my own thinking, become a source of relaxation, and generate fun conversations. Reading had gone from something I had to do in college (conversating among the round tables at Saint Mary’s during what is called Seminar) to being enjoyable again.

I am someone who indulges in song lyrics and the way an author writes like the way others can lose themselves in a painting or building a car. I found myself highlighting sentences and then realizing they were too good to be forgotten. I pulled out one of the three paper journals from 9th Letter Press that I had won in a giveaway and decided to comb back through the books I had already finished in 2014:

• The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin
• A Quiet Belief in Angels by R.J. Ellory
• Bread & Wine by Shauna Niequist
• Where’d You Go Bernadette by Maria Semple
• The Fault in Our Stars by John Green

I started writing down every.single.bit painted in yellow. There are words my heart relates to, sentences that made me laugh out loud, and thoughts that made me think deeper:

“….and it occurred to me that the voracious ambition of humans is never sated by dreams coming true because there is always the thought that everything might be done better again.” -The Fault in Our Stars

“If you want to write, then you should write, but always remember to write the truth as you see it, not as people wish it to be seen.” -A Quiet Belief in Angels

“The sooner you learn it’s on you to make life interesting the better off you’ll be.” -Where’d You Go Bernadette

I want more inspiration, more laughter, and more accomplishment. For so many years I have looked to others to validate me professionally and personally, denied myself the simple pleasures because I thought it was my job and purpose as a mother and wife to sacrifice all of me all the time; I was wrong.

I know…they’re just books…but they’re my books.

Tomorrow I go “home”
For the first time in 330 days, I am going back.
So much has changed in almost a year and yet, everything is the same as it was.
The ocean still blankets the shore, the grapes still ripen on the vine, and the sun still sets every night at 70 degrees farenheit (even in February).
Hair cuts have changed, waist lines have inhaled and exhaled, and hearts have expanded.
When I knew I was going back for sure, I was afraid.
Afraid that the peace I have found may be challenged, that the life we have made may be misunderstood, and my happiness may leave others excluded.
I turned it over the prayer.
Wracked with an anxiety that with the added rue of fear only grew until I couldn’t contain it.
It’s funny how “home” always carries with it the weight of history; histories both bountiful and badgered.
Would my loved ones give me the permission to BE who I am now or would they hold me to the hurt I caused by leaving?
I have prayed for days on end knowing the only one who could change my heart was God, and He did.
I have His peace surpassing my own understanding.
The fear fed me lies and I was a glutton.
I have purged that indulgence shedding the weight that it brought and now I am light with truth:
He stands by me & strengthens me.
He is for me so no one  can be against me.
So I am going home.
I am going back to hug the ones I love!
I am going back to laugh about the old memories & to make new ones.
I am going back home & leaving my home all at once.