i read a quote recently that made me sit and reflect & still is,

i started to replay my recent interactions with people: what would my kids think about the way i talked to them today?
what would my husband think about the attention i gave him today?
i replayed it down to the gas attendant, the friends back “home”, and my family.

i have a gaping wound right now it’s had it’s stitches, it has it’s bandaid
i’m not bleeding out
but every now and then…like the last few nights…
i’m reminded
it’s there

my gaping wound is a product of what people chose to show me the emotions they revealed & the decisions that showed me how they felt

“people are just people”

and i understand that & i forgive it when it’s asked for (and when it’s not) because anger won’t be my poison
but what do I do with the hurt?

it came down to this:
fool me once, shame on you.
fool me twice, shame on me.

it came down to wisdom:

“Jesus doesn’t give satan any grace. He just speaks the truth to him and then tells him to go away. If satan had come back saying he was sorry, that would be different; but of course he doesn’t and he won’t.” {Love Does}

so I’m living my life now absent of pieces that once bared more weight than they do now

(and hurt aside)
i miss them
really bad

 it’s like phantom limb
they’re still there
in my sense of humor, in my memory, and in the things that happen now
but they’re not
not
there.

and in a collage of lyrics that say it better than i could…

I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind…

Addicted to the love I found
Heavy heart, now a weightless cloud

It’s a fine romance but it’s left me so undone

Now that you know, this is my life,
I won’t be told what’s supposed to be right

{florence & the machine + kelly clarkson}

so if you ever find this & want to know – i am happy. life is good for me here. it’s really good.  but i miss you & laughing with you.
my kids miss you–and that’s the worst part–but I don’t know how to share this life that I am so happy in with you if you just need me to be sad.

love always, me