Monthly Archives: January 2014

Here’s the thing about Crazy, you can’t put miles between you and it, you can’t close it out, you can’t silence it, and you definitely can’t control it; Crazy just finds you.

Crazy is the person you don’t have time for, Crazy makes you question your self, Crazy makes you crazy and the only thing you can do about it is surrender it to God.

So I’m sitting here saying the words: Surrender it to God, Allegra, but there’s an emotional synapse between my head and my heart.

I KNOW He can fix it. I know He can take it, , mold it into what He wants but I’m still at the wheel clinging to it.

I’m so busy not realizing I don’t truly BELIEVE Crazy can change that I’m telling the Artist I’d rather stare at the clay than watch Him shape it.

A question was posed to me the other day: If Crazy is crazy then shouldn’t that make it easier to live in the truth?

It should.

It really should.

But I want to out-truth the lies. I want to justify the right. I want to shout out the honesty until something clicks and Crazy gets it.

I guess this makes me as crazy as Crazy is.

So God, I’m begging you in this moment to HELP me release this.

I want to see the scar for what it is: HEALED, illness removed, a badge of mercy where darkness no longer lives.

1,000 miles, 31 years, and daily baptismal cleansing to BE more than Crazy.

Crazy can’t live here….

This morning I found myself thinking about my Christian and Catholic background.

While I attended both Christian and Catholic church services in my youth, I ultimately clung to my Christianity and disbanded myself from Catholicism. Why? I didn’t walk away from the Catholic church out of malice, I just found that I fit better with Christianity. Mass felt formal, ritualistic, and disconnected from the God I know. The God I know doesn’t ask me to confess to a priest or do penance with a rosary, the God that speaks to me tells me I should come to Him; be in relationship with Him. Ultimately, I found that with the Christian church.

So today, I began to ponder why Catholic ritual didn’t appeal to me and I had this thought: can relationship exist without ritual? If relationship can exist without ritual, then I have lost nothing by disconnecting with Catholicism. If it cannot, then perhaps I am missing something that could be making my relationship with Jesus better.

My thoughts started racing. I thought about my relationships: husband, sons, family & friends. Certainly within them I existed without ritual. Or did I? Was I too caught up on the word vs. understanding the meaning?

Ritual as defined by Merriam-Webster means “an act or series of acts regularly repeated in a set precise manner“. It was easy to understand then that in the Catholic Church, ritual is relationship. There is a connection made, a commitment publicly stated, when you choose to be confirmed {or legally recognized through classes to be a part of the Catholic church}, when you light a candle and kneel to pray, when you drink of the blood and take the body during mass, or when you confess to a priest. Each of those rituals can connect a Catholic to their personal relationship with God and how they feel His presence.

I was beginning to realize, my ability to connect to my human relationships includes ritual every day. If I replace the word ritual with routine, it’s easy to see that it’s there: I routinely pick up my son from school and we talk about his day. I routinely relax in the living room with my husband to unwind from our days. Through tradition {annual routine}, I connect with my family at Christmas, with presents to celebrate birthdays, or decorating cookies with my friends. Tradition and routine {read: RITUAL} keep us connected. I had just blown the lid off something huge in my heart.

Until a few years ago, I hadn’t realized that hearing God’s voice isn’t something everyone has experienced. Knowing that I can speak with God and hear Him {even silence is an answer} is my routine connection with Him; my ritual. What I understood today is our human NEED to tap in and FEEL connected. While I do not need to see a priest to be absolved of sin, that may be how God reaches others. He is without limit and with eternal persistence, driven to reach us. I do believe that if a person is actively seeking His face, He will find them.

So am I missing something having disconnected from my Catholic background? For that matter, had I really come that far from it? I still hold close to my heart that tradition of advent, prayer, community, helping others, love, and Jesus. Of course, we can get fundamental here, but that’s not what I am after.

Ritual IS essential to relationship. Ritual IS routine. What one man prays of repetition is connecting to God despite what another may think. What one man gives to the church out of faith and acknowledgement that from Him all things flow is connecting to God despite another mans argument it’s unnecessary. Even Jesus practiced ritual/tradition/routine: He fasted, He washed the hands and feet of mankind, He broke bread and drank wine with His disciples. It is through ritual, through tradition, through routine that we maintain our connection to each other and to Jesus Himself.

Sometimes, all we need to do is hear one word that can make our minds shut down; for me it was ritual. Turns out, I just needed to change ONE word to understand the practice and correct some misconceptions.

….Anchor’s aweigh!

Before 2014 started, I decided to read The Happiness Project by Gretchen Rubin. I had tapped into it with a friend a couple of years ago but had never read the book and chosen to dive in and I felt like I was ready now. It is an easy read in itself but filled with challenging concepts: essentially basic in forethought yet made complicated by our humanity to put in motion.

Each month Gretchen chose to focus on ONE area of improvement {Energy, Marriage, Work, Parenthood, Leisure, Friendship, Money, Eternity, Passion, Mindfulness Attitude}. This is going to sound lazy, kind of is, but I am not really wanting to focus on ONE concept per month so intensely. The idea exhausted me. In addition to her 12 Months of Resolutions she also wrote her own 12 Commandments. The 12 Commandments would serve as guidelines to make sure her decisions and actions were in line with her heart. I really liked this. It seemed more challenging to me to establish commandments that would direct me than drafting resolutions. So that’s what I did.

I borrowed some of Gretchen’s that fit my heart and then I sat down and really spent some hours and days pouring over what both would help me grow and acknowledged who I am. THAT felt healthy. I don’t want to change my passions and my God given gifts, but I DO want to grow in areas I know hold me back from His best for me. I came up with these:

Because I spent SO much time investing in drafting these 12 Commandments, they are almost engrained on my heart and I HEAR them in my soul on a daily basis.

Act Gently came from my struggle with my oldest child. If any of you have a slow-moving child, you may understand how frustrating it is to work around their sense of delay. I spent a really long time thinking I could push him with the “Hurry Up!”s and amping up my sense of urgency but the fact is, it doesn’t change his snail pace speed it just adds anxiety.  Therefore, I give him incremental time announcements, “10 minutes until school, buddy” and I have even realized that I have to be mentally 10 minutes ahead of time. This means if he has to be at school at 7:40, I have to act like 7:30 is the time we need to leave even though school is right.across.the.street. (Yes, kindergarten starts at 7:40am and YES I drive him across the street to school because I am NOT kidding about the snail’s pace). So, I want to Act Gently with him, embracing who God made him to be.

Keep A Record of Rights has become my favorite! I CANNOT tell you how it has calmed me down during points of disagreement. Last night my husband and I had an “agree to disagree” debate. My auto-pilot tends to go to the deep end and take a tally of everything he doesn’t do. I make him a demon and therefore myself righteous. It’s ugly. Last night was no exception in my desire to tailspin into anger with how amazing I am BUT instead I heard my commandment and decided to mentally go into keeping a record of rights: he got me coffee the other morning, he took the boys to the bathroom when we were out, he emptied the dishwasher, he organized the “chaos cabinet”, he is such a fun dad that wrestles and plays with the boys… Immediately my spirit calmed. I could feel the devil poking in there with, “but he doesn’t do the laundry, allegra” and I just fought back with more of my husbands awesomeness.

Run Toward It came from my introvert personality. Can I tell you the part I dislike about church the most?! It’s the part where the announcements end & they say, “now turn around and say hi to someone.” Our church goes even further and often (like yesterday) adds, “Say hi to someone next to you and tell them what you’re afraid of.” AHH! In my head I literally screamed, “THIS! I am afraid of THIS!” I don’t want to change that I’m an introvert because I think some really amazing gifts God gave me come from that, but I do think I could find even MORE of His best if I found ways to Run Toward people, conversations, etc. I just have to figure out what my God given way is. It might not be shaking the person’s hand behind me and admitting I literally loathe the sound and existence of frogs (or them ;-))  but I can hand a tissue to the person next to me when the church band plays “amazing grace” and the spirit moves them to tears. That is me running toward it.

I am perfectly imperfect. I am wrecked in ways only the Lord knows yet He chooses to love me and now I want to learn to love me too. I am choosing to focus on who I am and how God uses that for His people. I am choosing to love that I am quiet in a group and once you get to know me, I don’t hold anything back. I get to be me this year and love that. THAT is my happiness project.

One of my favorite things about my relationship with my husband is his shared sense of adventure.

From the moment we started dating in 2005, it was day trips to Monterey, San Francisco, Napa, or silly local fun like mini golf or the beach with friends. I LOVE making memories with this guy! Our adventures really started when we moved to Southern California in 2006. We spent that year with a list of things we wanted to do and every single weekend we were on the road. Whether it was the Getty museums in LA or Malibu, San Diego tourist attractions, or amusement parks, we took pictures and made life something full of activity. When we moved to the Portland area in March 2013, the adventures became completely new!

I am a notorious list maker. Although I tried to succumb to the “ease of technology” with list making on my phone and computer, nothing quite compares to the hand written daily planner for me!! So, what goes with a new home? A new adventure list! I combed pinterest and read books stumbling across all of the top tourist things. I wanted to tackle the obvious first; get comfy in the “known to all”. I needed to get a little more Portland in my blood before I could feel comfortable stomping into local-love terrain. And we did: VooDoo Donuts, Stumptown Coffee, Jetboat Tours, Christmas Light Trolley Tours, Became Portland Zoo Members, Saturday Market, Farmers Markets, Spring Tulip Farms, Fall Pumpkin Farms, Brew Fests, Food Trucks, Wine Tasting….you get the idea. I ate it up!

Heading into our 2nd year here, my list’s radius has expanded. After a bit of instagram hashtag investigating, I have added some fun eats to our “quick & close adventures” list. Today we went to the NE side of Portland and discovered Kerns Kitchen. From 7am to 2pm Monday to Saturday they serve Coffee, Tea, and Breakfast but come 5pm they turn into a neighborhood pizza hot spot.

The food was SO good, the coffee was DELICIOUS, the service was SPOT ON and it was completely comfortable to go to with our 2 year old. What most people talk about in Portland is how great the food is {and it is} but what I love even more than the food is the no-apologies-creativity that people have. People have trades and know how to do things. They let their space reflect tho they are more than what others want to see. I  find myself so wrapped up in how “at home” a place can feel and a business owners personality is reflected in their work.

So today we had a quick-close adventure of the culinary kind! We dined on biscuits, burritos, scrambles and dare I say it: bourbon caramel lattes with 1 of our 2 munchkins. It was the perfect thing to light my day, fill my tummy, spend time with 2/3 of my boys, AND check something off my wanderlust addict list!

The first time I heard God’s voice, I was 14.

During a season of incredible brokenness, loss and loneliness, He silenced my world, took away my vision for a few mere moments, and simply said, “Everything is going to be OK.”

There was no fear in that moment, only complete calm and trust.

allegralove.com original

While I grew up in world saturated with the lessons of God, it was in that moment I knew He was for me. For this reason I feel I have always been blessed to know a relational God, not an obtrusive or ritualistic one. It is probably for this reason I struggle with the Old Testament God. I was born in an age of Jesus and His gentle love is what I know today.

There was a season when I shoved God off. I literally CHOSE to cut Him off. While I loved Him, I hated the world I had been subjected to. I hated the hurt that I had been victim too and the only way I knew how to take back my life was to say, “if You forgive and I know You are real, then I am going to do the wrong thing for awhile because all I have ever done was the right thing and it hasn’t saved me the heartache.”

It was a wreckless and immature decision I made when I was 19. Relatively fresh to college and learning my independence for the first time I wanted to show everyone who had taken their love from me that it didn’t matter. Since I clearly hadn’t earned any favor by following their rules, I would do what I wanted to.

When I was 22, I returned home with a piece of paper that said I meant something; a degree that promised professionalism and independence from everyone. That paper promise failed me too. I found myself living in my mom’s living room and working at a hotel front desk. While the beach view was beautiful, my soul ached for more but I believed I had walked to far away to go back to Him. I had hurt Him and I couldn’t face that. I had hurt myself and now the finger I had been pointing at everyone else showed me three more pointing right back at me.

I have a dear friend who came up along side me in this season. She invited me to church. I had nowhere else to go and I said yes. I remember writing my first tithe check for $10 and feeling the freedom in the sacrifice (after all, I was making $8.75 an hour as a college grad with $90k in student debt and a car payment). God found me again through the presence and pursuing of that dear friend. I heard him speak again on December 23, 2005 and I was home again. For good.

On December 30, 2012 my husband I heard God together. It’s a moment that would change the course of our life and our immediate direction. We visited a church far from home and at the same moment we both looked at each other and KNEW. He had spoken to us both with the same message: that church was supposed to be our home. And we said YES. We leveraged our worldly-all for the heavenly GO.

It’s had me thinking lately about two vastly different things:

1. Why don’t some people hear Him?

2. I want to know more about those who say YES when He asks for something.

In our new church home, I had the opportunity to hear an incredible story of a woman who heard God’s prompting and she said YES. Today, she is giving her kidney to a once-upon-a-time stranger but member of our church family. It’s an incredible story of what God can do when we don’t silence Him. When we don’t shrug the words we hear off telling ourselves we’re crazy. When we keep pushing on the prompting. If you have time, read about Courney and Jana here

I guess what I know more in this season of life than I ever have before is how much better my life is with Him in it. This last year has grown me so much in genuine joy and the freedom of smiling for no reason that I can’t let it go. I can’t let Him go….

Hello, 2014! You already know my name and I know yours. Your name is a tangled web of majesty and mystery all folded in, kneeded together, and currently rising.

I foolishly think I am prepared for you but we both know that I cannot even fathom what is in store. But, regardless of what I don’t know, I DO know His goodness and how He works in ALL of it. So, I will move forward in trust, anticipation, and above all, hope. I will make and pray upon my plans, but know, He determines my steps {provebs 16:9}.

I have devised a plan, but not one full of resolutions that I will undoubtedly fail. I have devised a plan inspired by an author and guided by my heart and soul. I will make decisions this year, keeping in mind 12 commandments rooted in who I am, how I want to improve, and the life I want to love living.

1. Be Allegra {gift giver, acts of service, words of encouragement, note writer, music lover, thrifty}
5. Keep A Record of RIGHTS {think about all that is good in a person or situation}
9. Lighten Up  {laugh, be silly, weigh the level of urgency I feel with caution}
12. Do It With & In Love {making lunch, folding laundry, running errands, doing chores remember LOVE}
15. Run Toward It  {engage: with people, in relationships, in conversations, in the present moment and without fear}
18. Spend Out  {serve others purposefully in ways that are Allegra in time & energy}
21. Remember Me  {don’t forget myself in the process of giving to others; give myself guilt-free time & attention knowing that my happiness effects those I love as much as it effects me}
24. Do It Now   {do not put off what I can do now}
27. Help is Good  {admit imperfection, ask for help when I need it, & say “I’m sorry”}
30. Use My Voice  {share my opinions knowing they don’t change someone’s love for me, fear not the power of speaking up in love}
33. Act Gently   {know the nature of my husband, my children, and those I love – walk gently with my words and actions toward them in all situations}
36. Carry Peace  {forgive without being asked: let it go, heal with forgiveness toward self and others}
40. Each commandment carefully considered, borrowed from the drive of another, and/or derived from exhausted thought. Regardless of where 2014 plans to go, I can be me in my truest form and in the desire to be better one decision at a time.