Monthly Archives: March 2014

The past few days I haven’t been myself.

Whenever I get like this, I remember something my mom said, “HALT: Never let yourself get to Hungry, Angry, Lonely or Tired.”

Sadly, I have been 3 of the 4 since Thursday.

I am EMPTY and I don’t even know how to fill back up, I only knew that I had one place I could turn.

We have been potty training our youngest.

We used the same program and had the same commitment to him as we did to our first. So, was it our negligent decision to vocalize on day one, “I think this is going to be easy,” or is it just the fact that this kid isn’t the same as the first {duh}. Needless to say, it hasn’t been a 3 day success story but a week plus fecal adventure. I had no idea that I could barefoot step in human excrement or run dung through my washing machine yet, I have, literally been up to my eyeballs in a gag inducing amount of shit & eternity pool of urine.

With toilet defeat weighing in on my every day activity & consequently changing sleeping patterns and habits in the wee-little babe, I am weary. When my hot-husband came down with a flu, we had a house guest coming in & I had JUST said I was at the breaking point, I think I can openly admit I was SCREWED! And more accurately, my family was screwed because I literally have nothing left for them.

So last night, after my husband lovingly sent me to my room for being short with the kids, I fell asleep until 6:40pm…when I was awoken by an extreme amount of raucous. I was in no place to fault my husband who was wrestling the two boys yet, in my head, I was cursing their insensitivity. I was now WIDE awake…and angry, lonely, tired…OH! AND Hungry. Grrr.

It was 11:46 pm and the youngest was awake…again…and would be throughout the rest of the night. I was so frustrated inside I could feel the anger and exhaustion expose me.

I started talking to God.

I can honestly tell you I didn’t make sense. I couldn’t even form my thoughts because my exhaustion and fatigue had taken me past rational thought. I was tailspinning into areas of my heart and hurts in it that I didn’t think were there. I tapped into fears that I would rather have continued to avoid. I just T A L K E D. I talked and I unraveled until I fell asleep…until the next little-spawn sleep disruption. But I woke up this morning to a coffee drought that couldn’t even dampen my hope that today is what I have and He is with me.

I dressed for the day (after tackling little’s bowl movement accident number 1) & admitted: to love my child the way I want to today, I am going to have to be outside of the house as much as possible.

It didn’t last long.

My exhaustion and fatigue are weighing my eyes down like free weights.

But my ability to admit that I am NOT enough is renewed with faith and truth: I am NOT enough. I am not supposed to be. I have to let Him be my everything so I can have His enough. HE is enough.

I am on empty. Like, so far past empty. One day I won’t be. But for now, I am.

I am empty and my 3 foot tall challenge is now throwing things so…I’m going to talk to God…again

I have this incredible book that I don’t read enough. It’s a 3 in 1 collection by Stormie Omartian called The Power of Praying {the power of a praying wife, the power of a praying parent, & the power of a praying woman}.

Throughout this book I have dates written, hearts drawn, and small notes. I blew the dust off the cover today and stuck it in a new corner of my home that I hope will become my prayer corner; my positive time out.

I opened the book to a random page & found myself praying for my boys: Honoring Parents & Rebellion. I wanted to skip that prayer. In my head I thought, “this is a boring topic and they’re young.” I know, it was horrible of me to think that, but I DID end up reading it. And it resonated with me.

The Bible says, “Whoever curses his father or his mother, his lamp will be put out in deep darkness.” Proverbs 20:20. I read that a few times & processed it.

There was a time in my life when I did not honor my parents. At the time, I believed I was justified, in fact there wasn’t anyone who could tell me otherwise. My first fight with my now-husband of 8 years was over my state of dishonor and rebellion from my father. At the young age of 23 I was livid that there was this man I was dating telling me he wasn’t willing to marry me and raise his children not knowing their grandparents. That was a pretty bold statement that rocked me. That hot July night at the County Fair riding the ferris wheel was not my favorite. But he was right. My now-husband stood up to the enemy who had walls up in me. Through him, he helped me see what Stormie Omartian writes, “Rebellion is actually pride put into action…stubbornness is an iniquity and idolatry. Pride gets us into rebellion, but stubbornness is what keeps us there.” The dishonor and rebellion that I lived in permeated every aspect of my life even as a believer. I didn’t want to stay in it. It was toxic.

A mom now of two sweet boys, five and two, I want to protect them from that poison. My husband and I fight together every day to take where we have come from and improve on it for their sake. We KNOW that “Obedience brings great security and the confidence of knowing you’re where you’re supposed to be.” We want that for them! “We want our children to walk in obedience so that they will have confidence, security, long life, and peace.” So today, I prayed that for them. I prayed that for them AND the grown and young adults I know who struggle now to honor their parents. I see the hurt it has brought them and I want God’s best for their hearts out of my genuine love for them.

If you want to pray Stormie’s prayer for Honoring Parents & Rebellion, here it is:

Lord, 

I pray that You would give (child’s name) a heart that desires to obey You. Put into him/her a longing to spend time with You, in Your Word and in prayer, listening for Your voice. Shine Your light upon any secret or unseen rebellion that is taking root in his/her heart so that it can be identified and destroyed. Lord, I pray that he/she will not give himself/herself over to pride, selfishness, and rebellion, but that he/she will be delivered from it. By the authority You’ve given me in Jesus’ name, I “stand agains the wiles of the devil” and I resist idolatry, rebellion, stubbornness, and disrespect; they will have no part in my son’s/daughter’s life nor will my child walk a path of destruction and death because of them.

Your Word instructions, “Children, obey your parents in all things, for this is well pleasing tothe Lord”. I prayer that You would turn the heart of this child toward his/her parents and enable him/her to honor and obey father and mother so that his/her life will be long and good. Turn his/her heart toward You so that all he/she does is pleasing in Your sight. May he/she learn to identify and confront pride and rebellion in himself/herself. and be willing to confess and repent of it. Make him/her uncomfortable with sin. Help him/her to know the beauty and simplicity of walking with a sweet and humble spirit in obedience and submission to You.

Amen