Monthly Archives: June 2013

“Making The Hard Changes In Me.”

One of the main guiding questions of the message was,
“Why is is to hard to change myself?”

I listened & it resonated with my heart.

My defects come from three main places:
1. Biological – my genetics
2. Sociological – my background
3. Theological – my choices

Two things Pastor Rick Warren said that struck me about the places these defects come from were
*My defects are my attempts to meet my unmet needs.

*My defects are often my strengths being misused.

Quite candidly, I have a defect of silence.
When I am angry, when I am hurt, when I need words of encouragement or thanks, I grow silent. For someone who loves words, I lose my ability to talk and I shut down. I wait for others to read my mind, know my heart, and fill the gap caused by my emotion.

This defect is both sociological & theological.

I went through something personally traumatic in my youth that taught me to be silent, to write, that no one hears my cries. Silence became my sociological defect.
15 years later, silence is a theological defect because I know better.
I know I have voice, that I can be heard but I live in fear and lack of practice at speaking up and out.
Instead I write, I stew, I live in a silent turmoil until it bursts–most frequently passively and with the very select few, openly or aggressively.

On the flip side, my silence is also my strength.
My silence compels what I love, writing.
My experience with silence has caused me to champion for women’s rights and volunteer with other organizations that fight for women’s voices.

Now I have to figure out how to make what is more dominantly and unhealthily my defect into a permanent change of strength.

So, Why is so hard to change the defects?
The reason that was like a lightning bolt to me:
Because we identify with our weaknesses with statements like, “That’s just the way I am.”
This statement causes us to identify with our sin when the truth is, we are not our sin.

I loved Pastor Rick’s clear example of how we identify with out sin.
He pointed out that in AA meetings, people introduce themselves as,
“My name is X & I am an alcoholic.”
In Saddleback’s Celebrate Recovery, they do things differently:
“My name is X. I am a Christian and I struggle with alcoholism.”

What a profound difference in phrasing!
I am not my sin, I am a Christian who struggles with a sin!

So here I am.
Thinking about the truths of who I am.
Who I was genetically established as, who I became by my environment, and who I am by my choices.
The truth is, I am incredibly proud of who I am because I chose this version of me
but
I also have an incredibly long way I want to travel each day as I choose to be even more then who I am today.

It will happen–out loud & not in silence.

When you’re out of questions, out of possibilities, out of the energy to imagine.

The truth.

It cracks like thunder on a still, warm night.
You clutch the sheets that hold you safe and inside every inch of you falls to your knees.
You know what’s next
and there it is
the rain.
It dumps down and the room closes in.
You feel how small you are in the moments you realize how big He is.

It happens when you feel like you can’t hold out hope anymore.
He reaches down and holds on to you, gripping life for you.

It’s a book that flies open to a chapter you needed to read.
A card that falls off a table you’ve neglected to clean and you needed to see.
He’s there
and you can’t deny Him
you can’t deny yourself of Him.

The lightning fills the room
1-2-3
CRACK
the storm is closer than you thought.

Lord hold me.

Father, I hear you.
I don’t want to spend my life chasing after a dream that you aren’t blessing.
I want to be living the dream You put on my heart.
I want to cling to You and not to my dreams.
I want a life that is secure in You
and if that means I have to let go of MY plan, show me how.

My knuckles are white from clutching the bedsheets while the storm hails down.

The truth:
“Insecurity is a lack of faith. And a lack of faith is sin.”

I am utterly dependent on You.
Oh how often I forget this.
I forget it when I feel like I’m writing the checks alone.
when I feel like I’m at the mercy of others.
when I feel…

In all honesty, it has taken me a couple decades to figure out the truth behind making my SELF a priority in the equation of things that need to be done and on the list of to-do’s. I have been in quite an interesting season of life for nearly the past year and a half, and the most rewarding have been the past 12 months.

Juggling two kids (5 & almost 2), losing my job & pursuing a dream, my marriage, friendships, and life all have their way of being both unbelievable blessings and in moments, challenges. Something I have unintentionally been good at is putting myself last. Unfortunately that pattern really started to take it’s toll and started to ooze out in resentment, frustration, and sadness. I was taking on the weight of a world that no one asked me to take. I adopted guilt and burdens that were only generated by my lack of communication.

None of these negative things came from my heart. My heart was to love, serve, and give, but because I ended up doing so at the cost of myself and my own restoration, I developed bitterness and caring for others out of obligation and necessity vs. passion, desire, and joy. Through A LOT of work, I have been putting my SELF on the “to do” list.

If you find you yourself are struggling with how to fit your SELF into the equation of needs, here are a few areas I challenged myself with and have ultimately become so much happier & healthier from doing!

1. Painting my nails.This may seem silly, but painting my nails once a week has become a source of pure joy & self investment! It started because I needed to find something to “disable” me from multitasking and there’s not much you can do with wet nails, right?! What started as a forced way to sit still, has become my moment that my family knows means, “Mom’s out of commission.” I think it’s great to have my children see me serve myself and I am happy for it!
2. Buying myself flowers. I’m a budget hound so this took many months to work up to, but I found that $5 for a weekly bouquet has rewarded my SELF & my Home immensely! Buying flowers makes me feel like I am loving my home, beautifying it, and making it a place I acknowledge I want to be, a place filled with life! (I actually like buying them for myself instead of my husband. It feels like an intentional decision to self love vs. need from others.)
3. Asking for time. I got really good at idly sitting by waiting for my husband to ask me to take time away from the house but because I wasn’t asking for it, he had no idea I needed it. Finding my voice enough to say, “I really want to write tonight, can you put the kids to bed?” blessed us both and mostly me. So whether you fill up on alone time or need a night out with your friends, find the confidence to ask!
4. Pursuing my passions. I love the opportunity to be creative, to read a book, or to write in my journal. Find what you love to do, acknowledge it, and put one thing on your to do list! Recently, my goal has been to take my passion for pinning on Pinterest to the next level and act on the things I pin. It has really inspired me in the kitchen. I went from hating cooking to now having fun with it!

To wrap this lengthy post up, I’ll end with something I’ve already said on my About Me page. Lucille Ball once said, “Love yourself first and everything else will fall into place,” and I absolutely find this to be true. If I feel restored, filled up, and renewed, there is SO much more reward to the love that bounces around in my home and heart!

Writer’s block is one way of putting my thought process into a phrase.
It’s been MORE than what I can’t get to come out of my fingers though, it’s been what I can’t get my heart to retain, my ears to hear & my will to obey. I have been utterly…defiant.

2012 & 2013 have been quite a journey. We ushered each January in with high hopes like most years (no one starts them thinking, “I’m so excited for how much this is going to suck!”) The months before it had their challenges but I was facing them, tackling them–I was down right conquering them! With a nearly-four year old & my 4 month old, I was facing getting healthy–emotionally, mentally, spiritually healthy. God was holding me & I was gripping him–He was my crutch and my guide through this place I was utterly and desperately alone in. That label “post partum depression” was a temporary tattoo on my wrist–I wouldn’t allow it to be permanent. I would quite literally, survive it. I would very physically fight it. I would with every ounce of my core, I would emotionally face it.

A lot of time has passed — I hear whispers of God’s voice now. I’m pretty sure what happened is what I tend to let happen–I ached for Him & needed Him and there He was, loving me loudly! He had me in his grasp and I wasn’t going to let go…but then I got my feet on the ground. I saw myself in the mirror and I, for the first time in my life, could say, “I see myself! I’m strong! I did it! I am healthy!” I was PROUD of me (am proud of me!). In those moments, I slowly distanced myself from my NEED for him. I wasn’t desperate anymore so I gave Him a hug and backed off a bit. He became a distant relative that I love, enjoy being with, but don’t pursue daily…weekly…monthly…

Lay off…emergency appendectomy…another lay off…death…melanoma… the hits were coming but I wasn’t on my knees, I wasn’t angry or yelling at God, I was just numb. I wasn’t feeling like I had to survive & I stopped chasing Him. I could hear my heart saying, “go to Him” but then I’d tune out–I was resisting with excuses: I’m too busy. I’m too tired. If I had just an hour alone each day… The more I resisted & excused myself from the table with Him, the quieter He got & the louder the world got. The trivial things that are just a part of life became another check on the list of issues but I just wouldn‘t go to Him.

Why? Inside me I was letting lies mull & the scent filled my soul with a tale that I did not deserve His saving…again. I could hear my thoughts blister with failure as His daughter, feel the ache that I only went to Him in need, and the guilt that I was only here to burden Him. Last night, as I called out to my son to listen to me (for the third time!) I felt frustrated, “Why is my child choosing to ignore me?” but within minutes, I was kissing my child on his perfect nose and filling with awe because I love my son. In that flash, I felt it–that striking, stunning reminder, “I love you, daughter, even more than you love your own son!”

The numbness, resistance, & excuses subsiding. In one still, small moment His voice that hasn’t stopped speaking broke through my avoidance: He loves me even when I ignore Him. He adores me even when I misbehave. He cherishes me even when He watches me making mistakes.

I need Him.

in order to survive…to keep pushing through….
dreaming is entirely necessary.
i live in a day dream world of all the places i want to be
all the places i want to go.

i have a gypsy spirit with first class taste and a babysitter’s budget.

i have been spoiled beyond words to see so many parts of the world.

during my collegiate years I lived in Italy for a short time
and spent one month traveling Greece.
i picked fresh produce every day, i danced in discotecs, and smoked {cigarettes} in snowy streets.

in high school i was able to go to australia, new zealand, norway, and london.
i held koalas, watched the sun never set, and ate waffles in the middle of fjords.

in different circumstances, i visited Singapore ,served in Thailand, and learned love in Peru.
i saw catastrophic devastation, poured cement in a Muslim village, and played carnival games in a barrio.

i have boarded boats, flown in planes, and ridden trains.

THIS is the life I crave:  a life of endless adventure, constant growth from foreign challenge, and the fresh air of somewhere new.

while some travel may have to wait
& while some dreams take time
i can plan some things with the passionate belief that not all things should be postponed–
today i plan not for 18 years from now,
not for a first class excursion in europe,
not for a sundrenched beach with a corona…
I Dream of A West Coast Road Trip.

Driving through Oregon, heading to Seattle… no official plan but just to BE.
I think this will be just what we need.

if i can’t dream today, i won’t see tomorrow.

Have you ever heard the statement, “Give more of what you need,”? I remember the first time I heard it and I wondered, how does that work? So, internally, I challenged it in outward ways.

Two things that challenge me are money & time. I addressed these two things as areas of personal need and looked outside of me for ways to give it. I saw friends who could use a date night and asked if I could watch their babies. I found myself honored they trusted me and while it took time away from my husband, I had found it gave me an hour of alone time. I had no idea it would work out that way. My friends are more comfortable putting their kids to bed so that meant, all I had to do was be there if someone cried.

I gave time and I got time. Hm…this was working!

My second challenge was a bit harder. Born a saver, how was I going to find ways to stretch my purse strings and how on earth would that pay me back? I found small ways…really small ways. My love language is gifts ironically, but that’s where I could start. Gifts that I could challenge myself in the area of money in small ways with ended up being a soda for a tired mommy-friend in the middle of the afternoon,  a box of junior mints for a sweet friend, a cake-pop date with my son at Starbucks.

Did I get more money? No, something better! I got freedom from clutching so tightly to money AND simultaneously exercising my love language!

I heard Tommy Nelson once say something that stuck in my heart, “With a budget you can enjoy the money you have for today.” I loved the freedom in that statement. I wasn’t meant to be a prisoner to my budget, I was meant to be set free knowing that they money set aside for certain areas could be enjoyed!

What do you need more of and what ways can you give it so you can receive it?!

Here are some things I have always known about myself

• I like to write.  It’s like therapy for me. My moment to clear my head, my heart, & my space. It’s where I share uninterrupted, expect no one to really be listening & yet have no problem if people discover it because I am in control of what I put out there. I can’t be a victim to what I write publicly.
• I love to experience the world. Put me on a plane, on a train, in a car, near or far, I want to see what’s out there. I love feeling this big in a world that is so much bigger. I find my place in that, I find perspective in it: it’s not about me, it’s not about circumstance, it’s not about an individual, it’s about a whole!
• I’ve got some serious cracks & some awesome intention to keep gluing them back together. I don’t stay broken, I am not defined by breaking, I am made by the attempts to try & to improve.

So, given all of that, it hasn’t surprised me that I have found my world uprooted from California and replanted in Oregon. Was it a lifelong dream? Nope. Was it on purpose? Not at first. Has it become a dream? Yah, in many ways it has. Has it developed a purpose? Yes. period.

We had this plan. We would keep our jobs, keep our house, keep our son in preschool, keep the same friends and maintain the same life. Plans change. We lost our jobs, we were going to lose our house and we had this choice: stay put where doors were staying closed or be BOLD & dare to say, “We are moving north.”

So, I think it was God’s plan. Scratch that- I KNOW it was God’s plan. Because when we said YES to something so terrifying, doors flew open. Do we have jobs yet? Oddly-no. But as it turns out, those are human perceptions of doors. God blew doors down for a place to live, a school for our sons to be a part of, a community for us to belong in, a church for us to find a home in, and friends to fill our hearts with. Did it take away the longing for the ocean we use to drive by, my dream fence my husband built or the ache for our friends, nuh-uh–we just happened to unfold. We found ourselves expanding. We now had new inlets to love and more outlets to pour from.

So we had this California plan but it changed into an Oregon one that looks strange, unfamiliar, and scary to those we put some miles between but if I could say anything to those who feel misplaced, confused, angry, or unhappy the change it would be this: Distance doesn’t divide unless it’s allowed to. Love doesn’t stop unless it’s withheld. Bonds don’t break unless they are severed. Proximity doesn’t change my love for you and that bond can be in the past or be a past, present AND future.

Pardon the silly pun but I have found myself brought to life by Pinterest. No longer can I say I’m Bored to Death because I have a million things I want to do or try!

I’m the first to admit, I was a little late to the Pinterest Party. I found myself in a place where I would look at these amazing things people were doing, trying, and able to accomplish and I felt like a failure inside. So, despite seeing my friends doing these amazing things and telling me to try Pinterest, I avoided it like the plague. However, I am in it and loving it today so I’ll celebrate that!

As I got really into it (aka: obsessed & side tracked), I found it seems to have a flaw for my organizational preferences. I really wanted a way to take the pins of things I had tried and make notes or tag them in a way that I would remember if I liked it or hated it. I ended up figuring out a way around this though! I created two boards: Pinned it//Did it//LOVED it!  &  Tried it//Hated it! As I accomplish turning a pin dream into a pin reality, I edit my pin and move it to the appropriate board with notes. As a new cook in the kitchen (I am more than open about how I have always hated being in the kitchen), Pinterest has changed the way my family eats in SO many good ways! It has actually made me have a passion for being in the kitchen too.

Have you found ways to track your Pinterest-Accomplishments? Has Pinterest inspired you in unexpected ways??

If opposites attract is indeed true, then I would say my husband and I fit that rule. He is essentially extremely strong in the areas I am relatively weak. Having those differences can be an incredible blessing, or feel like a wicked curse, throughout marriage.

I would say that I come from a long line of Type A personality people. To get down to brass tacks here, Wikipedia defines Type A personality as “ambitious, aggressive, rigidly organized, controlling, highly competitive, status conscious, arrogant, proactive, and obsessed with time management.” I am going to go out on a thin limb here and call this an unflattering description.  While Type A sounds mentally unstable yet, I’ll call it, focused, the flip side is Type B. Type B personality people (more like my husband & his devilishly handsome lineage) are described by Wikipedia as, “generally apathetic, patient, relaxed, easy-going, no sense of time schedule, having the organisation skills of a potato, and at times lacking an overriding sense of urgency. These individuals tend to be sensitive of other people’s feelings”.

So yah, I’m a little Type A and he’s a little Type B and sometimes we find it awesome & other times it’s a challenge. Where my Type A has come in handy for me, however, is in the house.  While some may be overwhelmed by the idea of having a cleaning schedule, I’m pretty much in love with it.  I had been trying to establish my own when I (like magic!) discovered this! This cleaning schedule is so easy & yet productive that I am actually feel FREED by it! A few chores in the morning, a few in the evening and no more constant mental stress of WHEN will I do this and WHAT needs to be done. At any given time, you can walk in my house and find imperfection (It’s life), but overall, I need order, routine, and “pretty” around me. Hiring someone to clean my house isn’t an option, but making my home clean is.

Do you find routines helpful? If so, what routines give you the most peace and love in your home and for your self??

Since I was a little girl, I had a big dream. While some girls wanted to be ballerinas, I wanted to be a CEO. Corporate America was where I belonged.  I wanted to own and run my own business, drive a BMW, live in a Pottery Barn home, and sip white wine by the fire alone with my cat at home each night. The picture was always the same and I can still see it in my mind’s eye.

I never really got there. Not so much the CEO type as it turns out 😉 That ultra-feminist me found the man of my dreams and started a family of my own. (The one thing I NEVER thought I would do. Did I want a family of my own? Yah, but it scared me to death!) I never thought my life would turn into wishing I could be a Stay At Home Mom. The first year of my son’s life was heart breaking to me. Anyone close to me would know I had serious battles with guilt because I wasn’t the one with him, but instead, I was in an office helping make ends meet.

I think I heard it all when I want back into Corporate America: “You should just quit and make it work.”  “You only have this small window of time to be with your children!”  and then there were the subtle books that came through the mail like, “In Praise of the Stay At Home Mom” by Dr. Laura (sidenote: she worked through parenting right??).  The thing was, we couldn’t “quit and make it work” on one income in California–still can’t. Getting the feedback from women who lived in a different era than the present and had the freedom to make choices like being at home felt like getting the wind knocked out of me every.single.time I heard it!

But here I am today–two sweet baby boys, one incredible husband, and found myself in a place of being laid off 7 days after returning to Corporate America after my maternity leave this year. I cried. (Damn hormones) but ultimately, the Dream came back: it was time for me to be my own CEO. Was I going to drive that BMW and live in that Pottery Barn perfect house? Nope. What I have now in reality is better than that dream. I don’t want a car my kids will give me an aneurysm when they throw up & I don’t want a house full of white that Type A me will be living on edge over. It was time for me to be the Do-Dreamer…to DO the Dream I’ve always had inside but do it the way it fits my life now. So  here I am as one little mama trying to make ends meet & smiling while doing it! Does it scare me? SURE! It also feels like if I don’t try this, I won’t be able to look at myself and know: life isn’t about throwing pennies in wishing wells, it’s about jumping in the fountain & going in after them!

What are YOUR Dreams?